Maybe the Problem Isn’t That You Haven’t Found the Right Person

Most young adults still want marriage. Recent Barna research found that 81% of Gen Z considers marriage important, and 78% of unmarried Gen Z adults say they hope to marry someday. Another 2026 study of more than 5,000 unmarried young adults found that 86% expect or are open to marriage, while only about 30% are currently dating someone.

There are plenty of reasons for that gap. Dating can be frustrating. Some people carry the damage of betrayal or a painful breakup. Others grew up watching marriages collapse and are cautious about repeating what they saw. Money, housing and an uncertain future make commitment harder too. But there may be another part of the problem: we spend an enormous amount of time thinking about finding the right person and much less time asking what kind of person we are becoming.

Modern dating makes evaluation easy. Profiles give us photos, interests, careers and preferences before we have even spoken to someone. We learn to filter quickly, and that habit can follow us into real relationships. Someone can be kind, faithful and genuinely committed to Christ, yet the thought remains that there might be someone more attractive, more interesting or more compatible somewhere else.

Christians should take discernment seriously. Who you marry will profoundly affect your life and your walk with God. Shared faith and character are not minor preferences. Abuse, manipulation, persistent dishonesty, sexual pressure or a relationship that repeatedly pulls you away from Christ should never be dismissed as imperfections you simply need to accept. But red flag has also become a convenient label for almost anything we don’t like. Sometimes the person in front of us isn’t toxic. They’re human.

That matters because the Bible’s description of love assumes we will have to love imperfect people. First Corinthians 13 is read at weddings so often that we can miss how demanding it actually is. “Love is patient, love is kind.” It isn’t self-seeking. It doesn’t keep a record of wrongs. It perseveres. Patience sounds beautiful until somebody requires yours. Forgiveness, kindness and humility become real when another person gives us a reason not to practice them. Biblical love was never built around finding someone who makes sacrificial love unnecessary.

We rightly ask whether the person we’re dating has character, loves Jesus and could become a faithful husband or wife. Maybe we should be just as serious about what they would be getting in us.

We can spend years praying for a godly spouse while giving God very little access to the person that spouse would actually have to live with.

We may hope for honesty while keeping parts of our own life hidden. We can expect sexual purity while quietly living with pornography, or complain that someone doesn’t communicate well while disappearing whenever a conversation becomes difficult. Marriage won’t magically fix any of this. A wedding ring won’t deliver you from pornography. If you can’t apologize now, marriage will simply give you more opportunities to discover that problem. Another human being was never meant to carry the weight of fixing everything that is unresolved inside us.

Jesus has to be Lord of our relationships because He has to be Lord of us.

Paul tells the Philippians, “Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit. Rather, in humility value others above yourselves” (Philippians 2:3), and then immediately points them to Jesus. That’s where the Christian understanding of love goes deeper than compatibility.

Jesus did not wait for us to become lovable enough. Romans 5:8 says that “while we were still sinners, Christ died for us.” At the cross we see love that is holy, truthful and costly. Christ doesn’t approve our sin in the name of acceptance. He calls us to repentance, forgives us and makes us new. Christians spend the rest of their lives learning to love from the One who loved them first.

If Jesus is changing the way we love, it should eventually show up in the way we date: in what we do with sexual desire, how we speak when we’re angry, whether we tell the truth when honesty costs us something, whether we can admit when we’re wrong and whether another person’s good matters when it conflicts with what we want.

It should also free us from expecting romance to save us. A boyfriend, girlfriend, husband or wife cannot give us an identity strong enough to carry our whole life. They won’t heal every insecurity or guarantee that we’ll never feel lonely. Asking another person to do what only God can do eventually puts an impossible weight on the relationship.

The Gospel gives us somewhere else to stand. Before anyone chooses us romantically, God calls us to Himself through Christ. Our worth isn’t established by our relationship status, and singleness isn’t evidence that real life hasn’t started yet. Jesus was single. Paul spoke positively about the freedom singleness can give someone to serve God. Marriage is a gift, but it isn’t the finish line of Christian maturity.

See Also

Ps Glyn Barrett – What is TRUTH in a world of options?

That means there is no reason to date out of panic, compromise because we’re afraid nobody else will come along or force a relationship because everyone around us seems to be getting engaged. At the same time, never settle becomes terrible advice if it means waiting for someone with no weaknesses, no annoying habits and no capacity to disappoint us. Refusing to compromise biblical convictions is one thing. Expecting a person who will never need grace is another.

So yes, pray about the person you may marry. Ask God for wisdom. Pay attention to character and don’t ignore genuine warning signs because you’re lonely. But while you’re asking God about them, let Him deal with you.

Let Him expose the selfishness you’ve learned to hide. Deal with sexual sin instead of quietly carrying it toward a future marriage. Become honest. Learn to repent without immediately defending yourself. Forgive people. Keep your word. Serve when nobody notices.

You may not know who you’ll marry, or whether marriage is part of God’s future for you at all. But you already know who Jesus is calling you to follow.

Maybe that’s where the conversation about finding the right person needs to begin.